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Effective communication takes practice and patience.  Improving communication and emotinal intelligence inreases ones ability to be more relational with  loved ones, co-workers and friends.   The feedback wheel will help you speak in "I" statements, to present your side of the disagreement in  respectful way, to stay focused on a particular behvavior and take full responsibity for your thoughts, feelings and behaviors without blaming, name calling, losing your temper or withdrawing.  Ok, so how does it work:

1.  start by stating, "I have something I need to address with you, Is this a good time for you?"  (if the answer is "no", ask for a committment to a time).

2.  Open with a gift...Start by stating something positive or something that shows you care.

3.  describe the behavior "When You......(report the behavior precisely, as if you were a video recorder on playback -- no opinions here!)

4. State what you made up about what you saw aor heard

5.  State how this made you feel (mad, sad, glad, hurt, afraid, ashamed or guilty)

6. State what you need from your partner

7.  Ask what you can do to help ensure you get what you need



Ok, so what does this look like?


"Hi Honey, I have something I want to discuss with you.  Is this a good time?

("No, can't you see I'm in the middle of the football playoffs") Will you please let me know when its over so I can talk to you. ("OK")


Thanks so much for remembering that i wanted to talk to you.  I really apreciate that your heard me.(2)

Last month I asked you to stop using your credit card.  I just got the credit card statement and there are several new charges on it. (3)

When I see new charges on the statement, I make up that you either are ignoring me or you aren't committed to our new budget.(4)

I feel hurt and scared.(5)

I need you to stick to your agreement and not use the credit card in the future. (6)

How can I help you do this? (7)

If your partner agrees to your request say "Thank You", if not, ask "how can we compromise".


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